Come Back Home
by Judithan
Summary: You're not coming back this time, are you? Sol/Sin. Mentioned Ky/Dizzy. Character death. Modern AU.


The lights are off when I walk through the door. It's been like this for days but I can't be bothered to switch them on. Daily routines persist as I toss my shoes off and fall onto the sofa. It's uncomfortable. It's annoying. But anything is better than venturing further into the apartment, to see everything you left. Anything is better than seeing what we had.

I don't want to look at anything. I don't want to feel anything.

Ky's been telling me not to come back here anymore, to just stay with him, but I can't. Nothing he says could make me want to leave where you've been. Annoying, pathetic, cry-baby, and yet I can't help but grab your old shirts in the daylight just to remember what you smell like. In the daylight, everything looks the same. It looks like you'll burst in through the front door any minute. It looks like I'll see that stupid grinning face as you gabber on about something from the kitchen. It looks like your little backwards step you do when you bump into something, flailing arms about.

At night, though, the silence eats away at my soul, reminding me that you're gone. Sickening is the best way to describe it.

It had been so, so long since I felt this way - engulfed in rage, about to destroy myself. Days, months, years, even, but two seconds too late and it's like I never left. My body feels hollow, numb even, but my head won't stop screaming.

I bury my head into my hands, a noise of grief echoing through the apartment, being eaten up by the emptiness. At some point I might wake up and realize that maybe Ky was right, that I should just give this all a break. Though I can't help but feel like this is my responsibility, that this is the price I have to pay. Maybe martyrdom is more in my blood than I ever knew. Maybe this is the true sin I have to pay, wouldn't that be funny.

Right, Sin?

Another scream escapes me.

"We're gonna be together forever, okay! Just you watch, you big jerk!"

A cold shiver shoots up my spine and I can't help but claw at my arms, wrist, neck, anything I can easily access.

"Where should I put this, Sol? Huh, don't give me that look! I want a family picture up!"

Tears are falling onto my hands, throat hoarse and teeth clenched.

"You've been so quiet lately, are you alright? Sol…"

My head is pounding and I can't stand it any longer. I have to get out of there as fast as possible, anything, _anywhere_, would be better than being there any longer. The echo of your voice won't stop talking, mocking me in my mourning.

"I love you, Sol."

I can't stand to be here for another second.

Before I know I've even left the apartment, I'm already at Ky's house, Dizzy greeting me with a forced smile and a hug. She doesn't say much other than my name accompanied by a few 'there, theres.' By now I've long since stopped crying, but I'm too exhausted to hug her back with any genuine effort. She's kind and caring and I can't be bothered to say a word past 'hey.' Of course, she doesn't mind. She never would, never has. She's far too kind to be bothered by any of my gruff mannerisms and even harshr voice.

I've been downing a pack of cigs a day ever since.

Ky walks out at some point, inviting me in with as much kindness as he can muster, though I know he's shaken up over this as well. Sin was family to him, after all.

Their home is bright, warm, smells like flowers and sweets. It's not unusual, of course, but it's so very inviting. On the counter I can see some vases of flowers left over from the service and several cards and scattered papers. I try my best to just ignore it and sit myself down on their couch. Thinking about that now wouldn't help me, Ky, Dizzy, or anyone else on this goddamn planet.

"Sol…"

I can still hear your voice, even here. Though I don't make any note of it to them.

Dizzy is busy fixing something up in the kitchen, likely something hot -from the smell of it tea- while Ky occupies himself with my company. He's talking about something or other and I can only vaguely nod in approval, though the far corner of the ceiling is truly what's caught my attention. Some time passes like that, though I'm not sure how much. I don't have a sense of time anymore. I go to work when my boss messages me and leaves when he tells me to. Even now, I have no idea what time of day it is, what day it is, or how many days it's been. Time doesn't exist anymore.

Eventually theres a hot cup of tea in my hand and I absently drink it. Ky is offered a cup as well but just sets it on the coffee table, the heat forming steam on the glass top. After a while, it cools off, but he's still talking, Dizzy has joined in at this point also. She has a smile plastered to her face, but her eyes are still cold, tired. Ky doesn't look any better, all things considered.

I doubt they've slept much. I haven't either. At least, maybe I have? I'm not sure at this point. It feels like I've been stuck in a never-ending nightmare since the accident.

Ky expresses some concern for me, telling me something about a guest room that they have. Part of me wants to decline, but I know it'd be best to take some time away from what was my home. That place is now nothing more than a trance-inducing void.

At some point, I end up accepting their offer, retiring to the guest room they barely use. I kick my shoes off, shuffle out of my pants, and throw myself onto the bed. It's been so long since I slept in an actual bed…

Sleep comes over me easily, and I don't fight it.

The chirping sound of birds wakes me up, and I can't help but feel agitated. I look over, the sun is shining bright in my eyes and I cringe myself awake. Sitting up, I take a few moments to stretch before I realize that I'm in my bed. I don't remember falling asleep here, but I guess it's not hard to imagine I passed out after work last night. It's still early in the morning and part of me still wants to sleep.

At my side I find a head of soft, blonde hair and a pale back turned to me.

I don't speak at first, only reach out to them, and as my hand solidly connects to their back, I can physically feel myself releasing the breath I didn't know I was holding.

Rolling over, it's you. Beautiful blue eyes looking up to me with a sleepy expression and a sloppy smile.

"What's wrong, Sol? You look like you've seen a ghost…"

(x)

all aboard the feels train express! next stop: _**your tears**_.


End file.
